A Barrier of Resistance...

I have been planning to write a post every day for a couple of weeks now (I really WILL post some photos of my paintings soon!!)... and I could go on about why I haven't but here I am now. Life is busy, blah blah blah - in a nutshell... the word is RESISTANCE.

What do you know about resistance? I have been learning a few lessons of late.

This word...in all it's complexity! It really began the weeks leading up to my paintings being put up in Artpresso... I became quite familiar with the awkward little fight that is resistance. I say fight because it is a fight... a soul fight.


I remember one evening sitting in the centre of my studio just feeling it surround me. It didn't matter how much I knew I NEEDED to start painting... I just couldn't. I didn't want to. I felt like there was a little 2 year old inside me having a bit of a tanty actually. Or a rebelling teenager whining and grumbling and swearing and kicking the walls. But really I DID want to be there. I wanted to be able to open myself up and pour myself out onto the canvas. I knew I could.... if I could just start, that is. This is when I guess I felt the truth in the idea of 'putting myself out there and doing the work'. It was a commitment I needed to make to myself - am I really going to do this? And if I am... how can I break this barrier of resistance?! And the thing I found... just keep going... put some paint out, and in whatever way it happens put. it. on. the. canvas. - and always, ALWAYS... I found that once I could break through that barrier of resistance in my studio then I could enter the 'flow', usually with ease. It will be a test to see if I can keep this up though... because as always that little fellow Resistance is waiting to tempt me to take it easy and not put in the time I know I need to put in.

I love this quote, which kinda sums up what I'm on about....

“We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing.  Action always generates inspiration.  Inspiration seldom generates action”  Frank Talbot

You can read more about resistance over at Donna Heart's blog. I remember reading this over a year ago and feeling like I'd had a bit of a kick up the pants - the notion of 'having to be in the mood' was kinda turned on it's head for me . And it is interesting because I have had quite a few people say to me recently, "Don't you kinda have to be in the 'mood' to paint?". I used to think that was true and I used it as an excuse for a long time. Really I think all that was hiding behind that was plain old fear. Which is why I also love this (also taken from Donna's blog)....

"The amateur believes she must first overcome her fear; then she can do her work.  The professional knows that fear can never be overcome.  She knows there is no such thing as a fearless warrior or a dread-free artist.  What Henry Fonda does, after puking into the toilet in his dressing room, is to clean up and march out onstage.  He’s still terrified but he forces himself forward in spite of his terror.  He knows that once he gets out into the action, his fear will recede and he’ll be ok."

I know I need to get this book - The War of Art - because I have a feeling that this is an ongoing battle that I will probably face... and even from these few excerpts I've taken from this blog I know it's words would be a useful tool (or weapon?!) to have!

It's not even only in my 'creative life' that I have been experiencing this resistance though... it seems to be creeping its way into lots of different areas of my life. I've had such a craving to be OUTSIDE lately... which is really NOT like me during winter. Maybe it's because I spent so many hours in my one room painting.... but I think there was something else happening. I resisted this for a few weeks (because as I've been ranting about, that's what I've been doing...and especially because I'd usually favour being warm inside somewhere) but FINALLY... I got outside into the fresh (and C.O.L.D.) mountains air last weekend. The universe must have know how much I needed to be there, because I was lucky enough to get just enough sunshine to spend an hour going for a walk down to the little creek I used to visit years ago...

It was beautiful and oh-so-grounding. It was a little grey and cold (definitely COLD), but then little patches of sunshine peeped through the trees... it was so good to soak up some of those golden rays! I wandered around for an hour, just noticing such small little details around me. I used to just rush down to the creek to sit there but I spent most of my time on Sunday just walking around and letting myself just be there. Being winter, lots of the trees were bare and there was a moment when I kinda wished it were spring or summer so there would be more colour and light and warmth. And then I noticed all these little wattle trees scattered around....

Maybe nature knows that in winter we need a little extra sunshine and colour? :) Five minutes after I left you wouldn't have even known the sun had been out... the mist and drizzle set in and it was freezing. But it was nice to be able to appreciate that a little after the sunshine!

I know all this resistance is happening for different reasons..maybe related to lots of changes that are occurring - new job for one - but it's there and so I'm trying to learn from it. I do feel like I've been a lot more connected and in-tune with myself lately and I am finding that as I follow my intuition a little more there is a natural pull of resistance. It's frustrating, but at the same time it's giving me a certain kind of awareness about myself too. In some ways, it is teaching me to be a bit more patient with myself and reminding me to be kind to myself. In other ways it is 'snapping me into gear' and helping me make the choice to be a bit more brave and just step forward anyway.

Peace, Love, Gratitude... x