Vulnerability...again!

   

                                 

Vulnerability. It is funny just how much you begin to learn about yourself when you really open yourself up to vulnerability. ..I'm sure that goes without saying, but honestly, even though that's kinda obvious (duh!)...living that feels like a totally different story. I have to laugh, actually, at the humour of the Universe...as soon as I wrote about opening myself up to new opportunities, being pushed further out of my comfort zone, moving forward....it's exactly what happened (why should I be surprised?!). I'm probably just more surprised at what surfaced with that vulnerability - lots of old stories and habits about who I am etc....(I might come back to that later...).

                               

Armed with this 'willingness' to accept new challenges and open myself up to whatever opportunity, I found myself agreeing to an online interview, entering an art prize, participating in a group show and taking part of a small handmade market at the Preschool. I didn't (don't) even want to write about any of these things until they happened because, to be honest, I didn't trust myself quite enough that I would actually DO it. But now I've just returned home after submitting two of my paintings to the group show (and yes, it nearly didn't happen - thank god for good friends - and of course, I was there at the very last minute...deadline 6pm and I was there at 5.30!). I feel like this is something that I 'should' be shouting out and inviting everyone I know to...but instead, I feel like whispering it to just a few and then hiding in the corner. This is vulnerability. Argh! I'm not so good at 'shining' in these situations just yet...hopefully that comes with time...it would be nice to be able to say: "HEY! Guess what?! Some of my paintings are going to be hanging in a real gallery, with real artists!" *insert happy dance here*....DEEP BREATH HERE. I can't help it, it freaks me out....completely. Although it feels pretty good to be doing it anyway, so I guess that's something. And if you happen to be in Sydney on Thursday (9th May) you are welcome to pop by Tap Gallery, 45 Burton St, Darlinghurst, between 6-8pm to say hi and have a look around.

A pretty big fear of mine is my voice, which is pretty inconvenient really. Everything I've been trying to do creatively seems to push me into this fear. So it goes without saying that even agreeing to an online interview was confronting for me.  I think anytime you start trying to talk about yourself in this way it brings up vulnerability...for me there is so much past fear tied up in this - what if I sound stupid? What if it doesn't make sense? what if I don't sound smart enough? I'm standing inside this fear though (this blog in itself is part of that!). But anyway, I managed to get it finished and sent off, and you can find it over here at Evaelena's blog! I was lucky that my beautiful friend, Shelley, was willing to come visit me in my studio to take photos of me working... (did I mention I also hate having my photo taken)...I am so grateful for the consideration she showed me and the way she made me feel comfortable while she snapped away, it made such a huge HUGE difference.

Okay...(deep breath)...I guess since I started, I'll continue:

It is pretty interesting the things that start surfacing as you push yourself into fears like this. Particularly because there's no place to hide and it's just plain scary to feel that confronted with yourself. But at the same time, it is what I am craving. You can see the problem here...sometimes I just feel paralysed by resistance and it makes it pretty difficult to stay open and receptive. And when I do manage to start moving there is a pretty big part of me kicking and screaming and wondering, "well maybe no-one will notice if I just abandon that idea?" I know that all of this isn't new, besides being a pretty familiar story to me in general, I am aware that so many people feel like this. (I do wonder why this is the case? Surely it should be easier?). One of the main things that has surfaced for me over the past few weeks is this feeling that I 'need' confirmation and approval from people around me (that's pretty hard to admit on here, actually). It has really made me take a step back and question a few things...and probably that in itself motivated me to commit to these recent opportunities even more - and to just trust myself to do it (even if I am kicking and screaming). TRUST is a pretty big issue though, isn't it...? My whole painting process kind of relies on this so it is a pretty big alarm bell when I realise I still (STILL) have so much to learn about it. Trusting my process, my own truth, my own creativity, my own inspiration, intuition, path, (gulp) voice...none of that needs confirmation if I am truly honest with myself. Perhaps realising all of this is half the battle though - Hm. I think I'll choose to see it that way!

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and 

go into the wilderness of your intuition. 

What you'll discover will be wonderful. 

What you'll discover is yourself" 

- Alan Alda

It is a funny thing though, once you start going down this path...because even as uncomfortable as it feels sometimes, I can't really imagine going back...I can't really imagine not facing these things...because at the same time as being terrifying, there is such a sense of aliveness too. Perhaps it gets to a point where you can't just be content living in the old patterns and beliefs and stories and you have to keep moving into the new, despite the confrontations along the way.

"The moment in between what you once were, 

and who you are now becoming, 

is where the dance of life really takes place" 

- Barbara De Angelis

Credit for the photos included: Shelley Hawtin