Bali: Listen In

Having returned from the magical place of Bali for the second time, I feel like I shouldn't be surprised by the inner shift I am experiencing and the flow on effect this has in life in general. Although, transformation is like that - you can never really know fully what it is that needs transforming until you are in the midst of it, with all the inner doubts and questions bubbling up and demanding to be acknowledged...released...and renewed into new stories based on deeper inner truths. We all have stories we have created about ourselves, whether positive or negative and we all have some that are buried safely so as not to be disturbed...so as not to shake things. So I was not exactly expecting some of those stories to come bubbling to the surface while in Bali...this retreat was titled 'bloom true and renew' and so naturally I thought of words like - peace, calm, self-love, happiness, warmth...all things light and airy and yes, fuzzy. So you can imagine my surprise at myself when within days I realised the actual truth of self-love, in the fact that it must go further, deeper, until it reaches those dark untouched stories that have been abandoned as damaged, ugly, messy, unworthy. And what happens then is actually where the magic happens. Because, that is where the transformation starts.

I have to just insert here that I feel such immense gratitude for the fact that I was surrounded by such an outstandingly, magnificently, beautiful, sparkly, gorgeous group of women...it was, to say the least, blissful. And... I know this sounds a little contradictory - the inner chaotic raw transformation and the blissfulness of the place and people. Perhaps that too is the magic of it. I was able to recognise for I think the first time, that even in that place of total rawness there can also be total joy. I think that was a fairly significant epiphany for me...which I think I realised on a day that was described by a few of us as 'raw and weepy' (yeah, ouch, right?). Because even that day (about half way through our week together), there was a sense of celebration in that, in acknowledging those deeper stories and allowing myself to feel them was in itself already an act of changing them. And we were in the perfect place for that - not only was the place naturally nurturing but we were also able to extend that out toward one another too.

It's always somewhat difficult to come back and explain how exactly being in Bali helped my painting process evolve, but the truth really is that when we do the soul work, that is inevitably reflected on the canvas. This year was very different for me - I think mostly because I was so determined to be completely present and allow myself to really feel the process and reflect on the inner process in order to identify what came up and whether those stories needed to be shifted etc.


As I mentioned, it was pretty early on that I realised that the reason I was in Bali this year was centred around the need to understand and express self-love. The notion of self-love began emerging as soon as I arrived (actually, even on the flight to Bali!). I had three days in Ubud before I travelled up to Amed to join the workshop, and it was during those three days that I made the commitment to myself to really try to consciously notice and acknowledge parts of my being that I have ignored or refused to listen to, or refused to change. I still didn't REALLY know what I was inviting in at that point, I still wasn't expecting so much to surface. I was, however, so determined to remain open and receptive to whatever did come up.

Our first evening in Amed, we all gathered around for our opening ceremony. One by one each of us shared a little about why we were there, what we hoped to invite in and what we hoped to let go of. In the centre of our circled stood a sweet little alter, with stones to place inside to represent what we hoped to let go of and lovely hand-made messages from Flora for us to choose from. One by one everyone picked out their card, each receiving messages that seemed perfectly attuned to the stories they had shared. Perfectly, the card I happened to pick up had this message: listen in.

I really am not sure how many times I came back to these two words over the week...countless. It became such a powerful way for me to focus, to really tune in and to let go of anything else that was getting in my way (ah-hm, self doubt).

Over the week I began leaning into those raw places, releasing old negative patterns of thinking and beliefs - feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy, fear - and stepping into a new way of being. I am not quite sure how to particularly articulate that feeling...perhaps imagine a range of emotions - excitement, gratitude, worry, frustration, confusion, happiness, anxiety, doubt, joy, heaviness, lightness...and then imagine putting them in a blender. I think that's where that sense of 'rawness' came - there was such a spectrum of emotions going on as they battled with each other. For the most part,  I felt joy and gratitude and yes - love - overarching all of the others and oddly, there was an incredible sense of freedom in that. That true sense of self-love...that even despite whatever story was bubbling up to the surface, I could still experience joy and love. Flora had also shared a tool she uses when thoughts like this come up: when I feel *insert emotion* ...I feel love. It's not as easy as clicking the fingers obviously but it was a powerful tool to use in beginning to shift my thinking.

All of this inner work was so beautifully balanced out with plenty of opportunities to simply enjoy being, taking swimming breaks in the magnificent pool (really, ridiculously nice), wandering around the beautiful gardens and checking out the colourful magic unfolding on each persons canvas, chatting, inspiring and being inspired, affirming and celebrating. Blissful. There was definitely a lot of joy! I want to emphasise that because I know I'm delving a lot into all the inner 'stuff' that was going on for me, but all of that was held within that total context of bliss, too.

I have to say, I LOVE (like, love love love LOVE) how differently my paintings unfolded over the week. They were different to anything I have ever painted, ever! I was totally inspired by pattern and shape - and I was so very determined to step out of my comfort zone that this became my beginning point in a way. I was also trying to choose a colour palette that I wouldn't usually use - although obviously a few favs like teal worked their way back in there. Deciding to let go of the 'need' for imagery created a HUGE amount of freedom for me. With the words trust, listen in, joy, and love in my mind I felt my way around my canvas in a totally new way. I felt myself returning to the pure joy of creating...it was exciting. It felt good to make big bold marks, so I did. It felt good to use repetitive patterns, so I did. That's not to say that I wouldn't sometimes do something (like, for instance, make thick bold black lines across my entire painting) and feel a moment (or more) of panic and think "HOLY CRAP WHAT DID I JUST DO?" In fact, my first painting got to a stage where I just really disliked it...and it was a bit of a breaking point for me - (this was that raw and weepy day I mentioned). I couldn't even look at it! But after having time away from it and sitting with it and feeling it and after chatting with some lovely ladies (you know who you are) I was able to return to it with a whole new perspective - I couldn't believe it, I felt total release! I was totally able to let go of the fear of what it may (or may not) look like at the end and stand back and listen in...without that breaking point I couldn't have moved forward.

Aghhh...let go, right?

Flora's beautiful guidance and encouragement was never far away either - and I guess one thing that stood out so strongly for me was the simple fact that you can always do something again. And at the end of the day it is just canvas and paint (REALLY!). Nothing is ever permanent....commit...let go...commit again...let go...remember joy. (Really....it actually IS that simple!). I feel so totally honoured and grateful to have had another chance to learn from the radiantly gorgeous Flora. She is much more than a 'painting teacher' - she is more of a life teacher, really. Her teaching guides and nurtures you back to the heart centre, the core of everything...what happens on the canvas is purely a reflection of this.

Reminders and affirmations in all their shimmery sweetness emerged throughout the week - here are a few to sum it all up!

- Anything is Possible

- You are worth the work

- Listen in

- Remember JOY

- say YES!

- Trust your process

- Believe your TRUTH

- Accept your true beauty

- Feel free to move...DANCE!

Maybe it's time for You to listen in...? 

I wonder what You would hear? 

What stories or old patterns and beliefs do you perhaps need to transform? 

What are some reminders and affirmations that could guide you forward?

- love, peace, joy & gratitude -